even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
