She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Randomize
