Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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