i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
