I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
