If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
