You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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