So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
