well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
