Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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