Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
