It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
