i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
