whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
