gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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