if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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