A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
