There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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