i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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