Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The best revenge is premature balding
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Ladies don't puke and tell
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
