That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
