you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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