Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
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It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
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I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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