I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
