i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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