But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
