Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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