Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
