Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
