He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
