it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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