saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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