textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
