I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
