I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
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