I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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