I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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