Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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