What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
