proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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