Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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