Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
