Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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