Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
