just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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