My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think I have vodka in my lungs
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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