Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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