I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
