Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
