There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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