Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
