i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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