WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
