Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
