Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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