I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
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