You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
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