I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
