My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
