I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
